What Really Happened at the Big Ol' Wind Mill!
by Tarabridget87
Summary: You may think you know the tale of the Moulin Rouge. How very wrong you are. This is the true story of what really happened at that big ol' wind mill. Please R&R! (Completed)
1. Ch 1 Our Story Begins

Disclaimer: I did not create nor do I have ownership of "Moulin Rouge", it's storyline or any of its characters, the following songs: "Who Let the Dogs Out" (Baha Men), "Shake ya ass" (Mystikal), the following movies: "Star Wars". Oh yeah, and a big "SORRY" to Ms. Britney Spears. Don't get me wrong - I loved "Moulin Rouge" but I just thought of some ways to poke fun at it. Peace out.  
  
Moulin Rouge - What Really Happened at the Ol' Wind Mill  
  
Christian: "I came to Paris to write about love. There's only one problem, I've never been in love!"  
  
Christian's stupid smile is replaced with a look of shock. He whipped out his to-do list and saw that falling in love had not yet been checked off.  
  
Christian: "Oh shit!" He said, temporarily dropping his accent.  
  
Luckily, a narcoleptic Argentinean fell through his roof and soon a bunch of other weirdos, including a cross dresser named Audrey and a man walking on his knees joined him.  
  
Christian: "What the hell is going on?"  
  
Man on Knees: "We're rehearswing a pway but he keewps fawing asweep!" The man on his knees said with an annoying lisp.  
  
Christian: "Hey dude, why are you on your knees?"  
  
Man on Knees: "What? I'm not on my knees! I'm a midget . . ."  
  
Christian: "I can see the rest of your legs. And your cue says 'man on knees.'"  
  
Man on Knees: "DAMNIT! STHOMEONE FIX THHHAT!" The man on his . . . er . . . the midget began to calm down.  
  
Christian: "Er . . . alright."  
  
Midget: "Anyway! Yesth, we're reheaswing a pway and he fewl asweep. Would you stand in for him?"  
  
Christian: "Eh . . . nah. I'm busy trying to think of a way to fall in love. Plus I've had a hard day, the IRS is on my ass and I've got parking tickets sky high. I just want to get wasted and sit here at my window. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do."  
  
Midget: "But . . .!"  
  
Christian: "Listen I'm just really emotional right now! Can't you see I need space?" Christian tossed his head back and placed his hand on his forehead, to appear stressed. He whimpered pitifully.  
  
Midget: "What a Dwama Quween!"  
  
Suddenly, the landlord began banging on Christian's door.  
  
Landlord: "What the hell happened in there?! Christian - you're going to pay for whatever you damage you caused in there! This better not be another episode with the fart and lighter!"  
  
Christian, looking alarmed, giggled nervously.  
  
Christian: "Heh, heh! Don't know what he's talking . . . "  
  
Landlord: "CHRISTIAN! I know you're in there! I'm calling the police and they're gonna nail your ass . . ."  
  
Christian: "C'MON! Let's go practice that play, midget!"  
  
They climbed up through the hole and started practicing. The cross dresser Audrey was getting pissed off because everyone was messing up his music. Suddenly, Christian burst into song . . .  
  
Christian: "Whoooo let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who? Whooo?"  
  
Everyone stared at him in astonishment.  
  
Midget: "That was amazwing!"  
  
Audrey: "No it wasn't! That was pure crap! Who would sing a song about dogs being let out? WHO WOULD DO THAT?!"  
  
Christian, undiscouraged, continued, this time more slowly and softly -  
  
Christian: "I say, who let those dogs out? Who . . . who . . . who?" As he sung the last "who" a tear rolled down the midget's cheek.  
  
Midget: "So poetic! Sthrew you, Audrey! We have a new witer for this pway!"  
  
Audrey, in misery, jumped out the window and burst into flames on the way down. They all shrugged and decided to get really drunk. They thought they saw this green fairy, but realized it was just that Kylie Minogue girl in a really slutty outfit.  
  
Kylie: "La la la! I'm the green fairy!"  
  
Christian: "You're really drunk."  
  
Kylie: "Who isn't in this movie?"  
  
Christian: "Movie?"  
  
Poor naïve Christian. Anyway, they went to the Moulin Rouge where there were a lot of hookers and old rich men. Everybody there was gettin' their groove on. I mean it was one dope party.  
  
Midget: "Isn't this fwun?"  
  
Christian: "Not really, everyone here smells. And there's no punch bowl."  
  
Suddenly, the prettiest hooker of them all came out of the ceiling on a swing. Her name was Satine. She began singing and it was so horrible, everyone covered their ears and screamed for her to stop.  
  
Satine: "Wow look they how much they love me! They're begging for more!"  
  
The swing lowered to the ground and she started dancing. Harold Ziddler, the owner of the Moulin Rouge began to smack her ass and rapped . . .  
  
Ziddler: "Shake ya ass! Watch ya self! Shake ya ass! But watch ya self!"  
  
Christian was getting really tired of the whole scene and was about to leave when the midget said,  
  
Midget: "Chwistian, I've awanged for you to wead your poetwy to Satine totawy awone."  
  
Christian: "Alone? Hell yes! Finally this is getting interesting!"  
  
Satine's ass was now as red as her hair and it burned like hell.  
  
Satine: "That's enough Harold!" She turned around and started dancing again. "Now, where's that duke I have to screw tonight?"  
  
Ziddler: "Over there."  
  
He pointed in the direction of a small, skinny, weasel-like man. But, Satine, being the dumb ass that she is and a little near sighted, thought he was pointing to the handsome young man with his hand in his pants - who just so happened to be Christian.  
  
Satine: "You sure?"  
  
Ziddler: "Yeah, that's him over there."  
  
Satine made her way over to where Christian.  
  
Satine: "Dance with me?" She asked fluttering her eyelashes.  
  
Christian: "No, sorry. I don't dance with whores."  
  
Satine kicked him in the balls and grabbed his hand. With a loud "UGH!" he reluctantly followed her to the dance floor. Ziddler would have noticed she was dancing with the wrong guy, but he was too busy getting high.  
  
Satine: "My name's Satine." She said, batting her eyelashes again.  
  
Christian: "What kind of name's that? Satine? It's like satin, but it's not. I thought whores were supposed to be named after pastries or named Britney Spears?"  
  
Britney Spears: "Humph! That's it! I'm like so burning my Star Wars DVD! You, like, totally suck, Ewan!"  
  
And Britney Spears spun her blonde head around, and stormed off in a huff.  
  
Satine: "Whaddya mean? Satine's sexy and mysterious. See?" She tilted her head and raised her eyebrow. "My name's Satine and I'm sexy and mysterious."  
  
Just then, a drunken fool accidentally tripped and splashed his beer all over Satine's face.  
  
Satine: "Oh nooo!"  
  
Her fake penciled-in eyebrows started to wash off. The auburn make-up dripped down the sides of her face.  
  
Satine: "How am I supposed to be sexy and mysterious now?"  
  
Embarrassed, Satine took Christian to the giant Elephant made of straw.  
  
Christian: "Are you sure this is safe?"  
  
Satine: "Oh, yeah. Come on."  
  
Since there was apparently no stairs, they climbed up the side.  
  
Satine: "Well, how about some champagne?"  
  
Christian began to snort laughter.  
  
Christian: "Uh . . . he he! . . . no thanks."  
  
Satine: "Then, let's get down to the poetry, my dear."  
  
Christian suddenly couldn't control his laughter. He covered his mouth and tried to hold it in, but he couldn't help it.  
  
Satine: "What?"  
  
Christian: "You just . . . HAHAHA!!!"  
  
He laughed at her some more and she was becoming impatient.  
  
Satine: "WHAT?!"  
  
Christian: "I'm sorry. It's just hard to take a person with no eyebrows seriously! HAHAHA!!!"  
  
Satine: "You bastard! You know, a hooker . . . I mean, a courtesan . . . has feelings, too!"  
  
Christian: "Hang on . . . I think I know what to do. Be right back."  
  
Christian then exited the elephant. Satine frowned and stared at her eyebrow-less face in the mirror. Moments later, Christian returned with something in his hand.  
  
Satine: "What's that?"  
  
Christian unfolded his fingers to reveal . . . THE DUKE'S MOUSTACHE?!?!  
  
Christian: "There was this guy I saw earlier with the most horrible moustache piece. He told me he had a date tonight, so I convinced him the moustache was way out with the ladies."  
  
Satine smiled and smoothed the moustache in place of where her eyebrows were supposed to be.  
  
Satine: "What do you think?"  
  
Christian: "Well, you sort of have a unibrow - but that's better than nothing."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.! 


	2. Ch 2 It's About A Whore

CHAPTER 2 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT THE BIG OL' WIND MILL  
  
Now that Satine had her sexy and mysterious edge back - well, sort of - she knew it was time to get back to business. She tilted her head and raised the right side of her - uh - moustache.  
  
Satine: "Well, where were we, my darling?"  
  
  
  
Christian: "I was about to recite some of my poetry for you."  
  
Satine: "Oh yes . . . poetry!"  
  
She then cast him a seductive look, but Christian couldn't tell because one side of the moustache had peeled off.  
  
Christian: "Okay. Now, I'm just an amateur, but I got some pretty good stuff I think you'll like."  
  
Satine: "Oh, I'm sure I will enjoy the erotic, wild, animal sex!"  
  
Christian looked confused.  
  
Christian: "Erotic, wild, animal sex?"  
  
Satine: "Don't tease me!"  
  
Satine fell to the floor and started rolling around and screaming like an idiot. She rolled into tables and various objects in the room, knocking everything over on the floor. Christian thought she had gone mad. Either that or she was really, really wasted.  
  
Satine: "Oh, yes! Don't stop! Don't stop!"  
  
After a while Christian was just disgusted with her. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He cried out in song . . .  
  
Christian: "SHUT UP YOU CRAZY ASS HOLE!"  
  
But Satine kept going, probably because she couldn't hear him over her own screams. Finally, Christian couldn't take it one more moment of listening to her. He became an enraged madman and jumped her. He began to choke her in hope it might make her stop!  
  
Satine: "But (cough, cough!), dear duke . . . "  
  
Christian: (Still choking Satine) "What the hell are you talking about now? I'm not a duke!"  
  
Satine: "Huh?"  
  
At that moment, the door opened and it was . . . TOM CRUISE?!?! No - it was the Duke. No - Tom Cruise is the Duke. And Christian was still on top of Satine.  
  
Satine: "It's not what it looks like, Duke!"  
  
Duke: "What? I could care less. Look - I thought that we had an understanding that after our divorce we wouldn't pry into each other's relationships."  
  
Satine: "Really, this is all just a misunderstanding!"  
  
Duke: "I told you, I really don't care. I've moved on now. I was actually looking for Penelope Cruz. Have you guys seen her? She's the gorgeous brunette who's a much better actress and lover."  
  
Christian dropped his grip on Satine's neck and turned to the Duke, interested.  
  
Christian: "Penelope Cruz, huh?"  
  
Duke: "Yeah, dude. She's totally hot . . . you gotta see this chick."  
  
Christian: "Oh, man! Let's go!"  
  
Satine: "Christian! We were rehearsing for the play - Spectacular, Spectacular - remember?  
  
She turned to the Duke.  
  
Satine: "Christian here wrote it - and he's my HOT lover."  
  
Duke: "You're trying to make me jealous."  
  
Satine: "Show him what you've got, honey."  
  
Christian's brow furrowed and he folded his arms. He began to pout and whine.  
  
Christian: "Do I have to? Right now?"  
  
Just then, the gang of weirdos swung in from the balcony, including the now awake narcoleptic Argentinean.  
  
Midget: "How's the wehewsawl gowing?"  
  
Before anyone had a chance to answer, Ziddler came bursting angrily through the door.  
  
Ziddler: "What's going on in here?"  
  
Satine: "Harold, didn't you remember, we're rehearsing for the play Christian - " (She paused and looked directly at the Duke, then continued) "Yes, that's Christian, who really loves me and respects my space and need for commitment. Christian won't tell me that I love my career more than him just because I am an ambitious woman. Christian is SO much better in bed than SOME people."  
  
At this, Christian leaned over and put his hand on Satine's ass, but she immediately slapped his hand away.  
  
Ziddler: "Uhh . . . okay. So what does this Christian fellow have to do with a play?"  
  
Satine's stare was still fixed on the Duke.  
  
Satine: "Huh? Oh yeah. He wrote the play. Our dear Duke here wants to invest."  
  
Duke: "Well, what's it about?"  
  
Christian: "It's about a whore!"  
  
Satine: "No, sweetie! It's about LOVE. Remember?"  
  
Christian: "No, I'm pretty sure it was about a whore. A whore who overcomes no obstacles and dies a worthless nobody."  
  
Duke: "Sounds good to me. Let's do it!"  
  
Later that evening, Satine went to the top of the giant elephant made of straw and decided to wallow in her misery. She sat on a bench, looking down at the beautiful, romantic city that she would never be apart of because she was imprisoned in the boundaries of the Moulin Rouge. She wished that she could just fly away. She sang at the top of her lungs,  
  
Satine: "One day I'll fly away!"  
  
All the lights in the city turned on. All of the alley cats from below screeched in distress. Anonymous voices angrily yelled, "Hey! Why don't you put a sock in it lady!" and "Shut the hell up!" But, Satine was, as always, blissfully unaware of these things.  
  
But then she abruptly became aware that right about now Christian was supposed to interrupt her and they were supposed to start making out soon. She glanced over the side of the straw elephant and didn't see anyone climbing up. She muttered,  
  
Satine: "Where is he?"  
  
Meanwhile - Christian, Ziddler, the Duke, the Midget and the Argentinean were actually downstairs in a circle sharing a bong, laughing hysterically about nothing in general.  
  
Midget: "So many colors! Look at the colors, Duke! The colors!"  
  
Duke: "I'm colorblind, kid."  
  
Midget: "What about you Christian, do you see the colors?"  
  
Christian: "You're so high you don't have a lisp anymore! HAHAHA!!!"  
  
Midget: "Christian, this is the best idea you've had all night. This is sooo much fun!"  
  
Christian: "Oh, wait, wait! I have an even better idea. There's this one game . . . "  
  
Upstairs, Satine was getting frustrated. Where was he? Didn't he read the script? Didn't he know he was supposed to be wooing her? After a while, she got tired of waiting and went back inside.  
  
Satine opened the door to the red room to find them all crowded around Christian's rear end, who was bent down on his knees. And even more oddly, the midget was holding a lighter very close to his ass.  
  
Christian: "GRRRR!!! AAARG!!!"  
  
Satine suddenly realized what he was doing.  
  
Satine: "No, Christian! The elephant is made of . . . "  
  
But, it was too late. Christian ripped already ripped one. A loud, nasty one. It reacted with the flame and exploded behind him. Satine watched in horror as the straw began to catch on fire. Everyone started to run around in a panic, except the Argentinean who fell asleep. The rest of them were too stoned to find the door anyway.  
  
Ziddler: "FIRE!"  
  
Satine: "You dim-wit! You were supposed to come up to and sing to me!"  
  
Christian: "Sorry, babe! I got half-way up and there was a par-tay goin' on in here I could not miss."  
  
Satine: "Whatever! Look, let's discuss this later. The elephant's on fire, we have to get out of here!"  
  
DISCLAIMER: I did not create nor do I have ownership of "Moulin Rouge", it's storyline or any of its characters, Popcicle Co., apologies to Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise, and Penelope Cruz. 


	3. Ch 3 The Elephant Rebels

CHAPTER 3 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT THE BIG OL' WIND MILL  
  
Everyone stood around outside like idiots, watching the elephant burn from the trunks down before their very eyes.  
  
Satine: "Did anyone call the fire department?"  
  
Zidler: "DUH, Satine! It's 1899 - there IS no fire department!"  
  
Leave it to a bunch of stoned men to handle the situation. Christian had another one of his bright ideas. The guys dropped their pants and did the best they could to extinguish the fire with their urine. Unfortunately, the fire was a little too high up. It just ended up falling back down on Satine.  
  
Satine: "Oh, yucky!"  
  
Christian: "Hey, Satine! Your moustache fell off!"  
  
Satine ran off into the Moulin Rouge and cried. Then, something unexpected happened. The giant burning elephant made of straw lifted it's enormous head and let out the loudest elephant call any of them had ever heard.  
  
Then, it lifted one of it's giant straw feet from the ground and once again bellowed out into the night. The elephant looked straight down at the "fire fighters" and scowled, it's eyes turning red.  
  
Christian: "Holy shit! It's gonna kill us all! RUNNNN!"  
  
The giant straw elephant then slammed it's giant hoof into the ground where the "fire fighters" had just run away from, leaving a giant elephant print in the mud. Everyone was screaming, the town was in a panic - everything had turned to chaos.  
  
Meanwhile, Satine was crying miserably in the Moulin Rouge. She sat down by an open window so she could have some fresh air. She poured herself a glass of wine. She had drawn her eyebrows back on, so she was feeling a little better.  
  
Suddenly, she felt a tremor, like an earthquake. She wondered what it could be? She figured the guys had another explosion or something so she took no notice of it. She went to get another drink of her wine and was surprised to see ripples forming in her glass as another tremor was felt, this time much bigger. She stared, transfixed as the ripples got bigger and bigger and . . .  
  
Satine: "AHHH!"  
  
The giant elephant's angry straw eye was glaring at Satine through the window! The giant elephant let out an ear-shattering roar. Then it moved it's nostril to the window to sniff her out.  
  
Giant Straw Elephant: "ACHOO!"  
  
Snot was everywhere, man.  
  
Satine: "Oh gross, how icky!"  
  
Satine didn't waste any time. She ran to the back exit, covered in straw elephant snot. Luckily, Christian was right around back.  
  
Satine: "Christian! Christian! What's going on?"  
  
Christian: "Satine! Oh you won't believe what just happened!"  
  
Christian then paused and twisted his face in disgust.  
  
Christian: "Holy shit! What's that smell?"  
  
Satine: (Embarassed) "Oh . . . um? That's not important! We have to find Zidler and the rest. C'mon!"  
  
They ran around to the front to find everyone running around in a panic. The giant straw elephant was stomping around in the town, crushing buildings and zapping people with his laser eyes.  
  
Satine: "Harold! Where is everybody?"  
  
Zidler: (his line out of sync with his lips) "We can't find the narcoleptic Argentinean!"  
  
Christian: (also out of sync) "Oh no! Did anyone get him out of the elephant?"  
  
The all look up to the giant elephant to see the now awake narcoleptic Argentinean screaming and flailing his arms from the red room.  
  
Satine: (joining in on the Godzilla fun) "WHO WILL SAVE HIM?!"  
  
(Cheesy "Dun, Dun, DUNNN!!!")  
  
TO BE CONTINUED . . . !  
  
DISCLAIMER: I did not create nor do I have ownership of "Moulin Rouge", it's storyline or any of its characters, Jurassic Park or any of it's ideas (like the ripples in the wine or the eye in the window), Godzilla/any of those old horror flicks. 


	4. Ch 4 Christian's Secret

CHAPTER 4 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT THE BIG OL' WING MILL  
  
Well it seemed as though the situation could not get any worse. The Argentinean was stuck in the giant burning elephant, a long way from the ground.  
  
Midget: "Oh, no, no! Sthomone sthave him!"  
  
The Argentinean was shit outta luck.  
  
Christian: "Looks like you're shit outta luck!"  
  
Yes, he was shit outta luck. But, just then, Penelope Cruz came darting out of the nearby phone booth dressed as Wonder Woman! She declared boldly,  
  
Penelope: "I'll save him!"  
  
Satine glared at her jealously as Penelope climbed the ferocious straw elephant.  
  
Christian: "Wow, there's nothing sexier than a courageous, strong woman!"  
  
Satine punched him in the arm.  
  
Christian: "OWWW!! You bitch!"  
  
They all stood in awe, watching Penelope as she climbed to the top. The elephant raged with anger knowing his hostage was being taken. All the men were dreamy-eyed, especially the Duke.  
  
Duke: "Isn't she amazing?"  
  
Penelope reached the Argentinean at long last and she helped him climb down the side. They had escaped the wrath of the elephant!  
  
Midget: "Awe you awight?"  
  
Argentinean: "I guess so. (Rubbing his head) But, I am from Argentina, I have accent, I am supposed to be strong! Now I just feel like an Argentinean pussy."  
  
Penelope: "My work here is done."  
  
Duke: "Here, maybe, but how about upstairs, beautiful?"  
  
Penelope: "I can't believe I've fallen in love with a handsome, charming, talented Duke who's also Tom Cruise!"  
  
The pair walked hand-in-hand back inside the Moulin Rouge to do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight. Satine was green with envy.  
  
Satine: "C'mon we have to beat the Duke and Penelope to it."  
  
Christian: "Beat them at what?"  
  
Satine: "I mean, I love you! Let's connect on many emotional levels."  
  
Christian: "Okay."  
  
So, they went inside and got comfortable.  
  
Christian: "You start."  
  
Satine: "Okay."  
  
There was a long awkward pause. Satine cleared her throat. Christian twiddled with his thumbs. Satine was stricken with the thought that they actually might have nothing in common!  
  
Satine: "Umm . . . "  
  
Christian: "Well, uh, so . . . you like being a courtesan?"  
  
Satine: (Perks up) "Oh! Well, actually . . . (Sighs pitifully) no, not really. I hate being a courtesan. Sometimes I just feel like being a piece of meat."  
  
Christian: "Oh."  
  
Satine: "Sometimes I just wish I could fly, fly away."  
  
Christian: "Well that doesn't make sense. People can't fly."  
  
Satine: "No, I don't mean it literally. What I really mean is I'm sick and tired of being a courtesan and I just want to get out of here."  
  
Christian: "Well if you're sick and tired of being a courtesan, then why don't you just quit?"  
  
Satine: "Because! Um, well I HAVE to be a courtesan."  
  
Christian: "Why? I mean France is at the height of it's economic stature. There are so many jobs out there available to you. Why didn't you just find a job somewhere else?"  
  
Satine: "Uhh . . . "  
  
Christian: "I mean, you've been working here - what? - all of your life? Why, if you've been so sick and tired of working here, did you never at least look for a job?"  
  
Satine: "Hey! You're ruining my tragic, helplessness!"  
  
Christian smirked and teased, rotating his index finger at her,  
  
Christian: "I think someone doesn't like the truth."  
  
Satine: "Well what about you mister penniless writer?"  
  
Christian: (Defensively) "What about me?"  
  
Satine: "What idiot comes to Paris with no money, a typewriter, and - ugh! - ONE OUTFIT?!"  
  
Christian: "I came here to be penniless for a reason!"  
  
Satine: "Yeah? Let's hear it then!"  
  
Christian: (Breathlessly) "My father . . . village of sin . . . ridiculous obsession with love . . . "  
  
Satine: "Oh, you have no reason. Give it up!"  
  
Christian: "I'M GAY!!!"  
  
Satine was taken aback.  
  
Satine: "Excuse me?"  
  
Christian: (Sighs) "You may as well know. You see, I've always been a bit girly . . . always singing in my high-pitched girly voice and dancing around with umbrellas and things of that sort. Well my father didn't approve of it. So when I came out of the closet, he told me I had to either be a man or leave. I left."  
  
Satine: "Oh . . . well, you actually do have a tragic story then."  
  
Christian nodded solemnly.  
  
Christian: "That's the reason I have one outfit. The rest are all either pink or tutus. I only put them on at night when I'm alone."  
  
Satine: "It all makes sense now. I should've guessed."  
  
Christian: "I've always had to be something I'm not. Sure, I like writing but that's not what I really want. All my life, I've only had one dream: to be a ballerina."  
  
Satine: "You know what? I can help you out. I'm in show business, I can hook you up."  
  
Christian: "Really?"  
  
Satine nodded, smiling warmly.  
  
Satine: "If I help you, will you help me?"  
  
Christian: "Sure! Anything!"  
  
Satine: "Well, the Duke and I have had our differences, but . . . I want him back. But he's too busy fooling around with that Pineapple girl to notice me!"  
  
Christian: "Penelope."  
  
Satine: "Whatever."  
  
Satine sighed and lowered her eyes to the ground. Christian scratched his head.  
  
Christian: "I think I have an idea."  
  
Satine leaned close to listen as Christian began to whisper his plan.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I did not create nor do I have ownership of "Moulin Rouge", it's storyline or any of its characters, Wonder Woman, "Get Down Tonight" (is that the name of that song?), apology to Penelope Cruz, MAJOR apology to Ewan McGregor (lol!). 


	5. Ch 5 You Scratch My Back, I'll Scratch Y...

CHAPTER 5 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT THE BIG OL' WIND MILL  
  
Christian came to the Moulin Rouge the next day with a completely different attitude. He wasn't high or drunk; in fact he was especially perky! And to everyone's surprise, he wore a new outfit.  
  
He wore a flower patterned top and conservative pink dress pants. His normally greasy hair was shower-fresh and smelled of lilacs. And it wasn't messy like it usually was, either. It was pulled into two neat pigtails with pink ribbons, not a single hair out of place.  
  
Satine: "Christian! You look great!"  
  
Christian: "Oh my God, really? Are you sure, I wasn't totally convinced about the shoes?"  
  
Satine: "The shoes look great!"  
  
Christian: "Thanks - you're a doll! Now, where's that Duke?"  
  
Satine: "He's with Pinecone."  
  
Christian: "Penelope."  
  
Satine: "Whatever."  
  
Christian and Satine walked over to where the Duke and Penelope were canoodling in some theatre seats and stood some 10 feet away, close enough for them to hear what they were saying.  
  
Christian: "AHEM!"  
  
The Duke and Penelope stopped giggling and looked over.  
  
Christian: "Christian, we have to end it."  
  
Satine: "That's my line, dufus!"  
  
Christian: "Oops!"  
  
Satine smacked him upside the head and whispered something angrily into his ear. By now the Duke and Penelope were unsure what to think. A few moments later, they started the conversation over.  
  
Satine: "Christian, we have to end it."  
  
Christian: "But, why Satine?"  
  
Satine: "I'm sorry - you just can't keep up with me in bed."  
  
Christian: "Well how can I? You're an animal!"  
  
Satine glanced over to see if the Duke was catching the conversation. He seemed uninterested and was started to get up to move somewhere else with Penelope when Christian said unexpectedly,  
  
Christian: "Satine, you make me feel like a virgin!"  
  
The Duke stopped in his tracks and snapped his head around.  
  
Duke: "Like a virgin?"  
  
Christian nodded.  
  
Christian: "Like a virgin, touched for the very first time."  
  
Duke: (slipping his arm off of Penelope) "No woman's ever been able to do that for me . . . "  
  
Penelope's mouth dropped open in jealousy.  
  
Penelope: "Oh, and I bet it just feels so good inside?"  
  
Christian: "Definitely."  
  
Duke: (coming closer to Satine) "So, uh, Satine . . . you're dumping him?"  
  
Satine: "Yes . . . "  
  
Duke: "How about we hook up sometime?"  
  
Satine: (smiling goofily) "Okay."  
  
Steam started coming out of Penelope's ears.  
  
Penelope: "Just you wait, Duke! I'll have my revenge!"  
  
The Duke watched as she stormed out of the Moulin Rouge. Satine mouthed "SCORE!" to Christian.  
  
Duke: "So, anyway! You want to grab some lunch?"  
  
Satine: "Sure, there's just one thing I have to do. Go get us a taxi."  
  
The Duke left and Satine turned to Christian.  
  
Satine: "Thank you so much, Christian."  
  
Christian: "No prob, hun!"  
  
Satine: "Are you ready for the audition?"  
  
Christian: "Ready as I'll ever be girlfriend."  
  
Satine leads him to the back room where Zidler is waiting. Christian stares nervously at Zidler.  
  
Satine: "Harold, Christian would like to audition to be a regular around here."  
  
Zidler: "Well, go ahead, boy. Impress me!"  
  
Christian looks like a deer in headlights. He felt he might shit his pants at any random moment.  
  
Zidler was becoming impatient, squirming uncomfortably in his seat.  
  
Zidler: (thinking to self) "I should've used Preparation H . . . "  
  
Christian hadn't thought he'd be so nervous. Nevertheless, this was his one shot. He reached into his purse and whipped out a pretty pink umbrella. He clicked the umbrella open.  
  
Zidler: "Don't open that in here! That's bad luck!"  
  
Christian immediately snapped the umbrella shut.  
  
Christian: "But, I need it for my number!"  
  
Zidler: "We'll just have to go outside then. I don't want you cursing my theatre."  
  
As they leave, a man with half of a white mask and a long, flowing cape slinks by.  
  
Phantom: "The Phaaaantom of the opera is here! HAHAHA!!!"  
  
Outside, Zidler and Satine sat on a drunk that was passed out in front of the Moulin Rouge.  
  
Zidler: (trying to scratch without being noticed) "Okay - go ahead. And make it quick!"  
  
Christian took a deep breath and started dancing. He was good - really good. And his pink umbrella really brought the performance to life. He held it tightly as he danced in circles with it and let is fly beautifully as he spun it around.  
  
To finish it off, he danced over to the Eiffel Tower and swung round and round on it until he flew off and landed at Zidler's feet with his arms open.  
  
Christian: "TADA!"  
  
Zidler scratched his chin, thinking it over.  
  
Zidler: "Hmmm . . . "  
  
Christian's bottom lip began to quiver and tears in his eyes started to well up. Satine then discreetly pulled a tube of Preparation H from her pocket and bribed Zidler.  
  
Zidler: (hurriedly) "Alright, boy! You've got the job!"  
  
Zidler then snatched the tube away and ran as fast as his little fat legs could carry him inside.  
  
Satine: "See? You had nothing to worry about! You did it."  
  
Christian: "It scared the crap out of me . . . (adjusting his pants) literally."  
  
DISCLAIMER: I did not create nor do I have ownership of "Moulin Rouge", it's storyline or any of its characters, The Phantom of the Opera, Preparation H, "Like A Virgin," (Madonna), apologies to . . . well . . . basically the whole cast. 


	6. Ch 6 Christian's Big Night

CHAPTER 6 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT THE BIG OL' WIND MILL  
  
One month later . . .  
  
The moment had come! Christian's big night! He stood nervously behind the giant curtain, waiting for the music that would summon him onstage. Satine tried to calm him.  
  
Satine: (whispering to Christian) "Don't worry! You'll do fine."  
  
Christian: (rapidly) "Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!" (turns to Satine) "I can't do this!"  
  
Satine: "Isn't this what you've always wanted?"  
  
The camera gets as close as it can to Christian's face. We can see all of his zits and the drool starting to dribble down his chin. He has an over exaggerated dreamy look on his face and his mouth is hanging open.  
  
Christian: (dramatically) "To be a real actor . . . "  
  
He then snaps out of it as the music begins to play. Christian looked nervously to Satine and she nodded. He pranced out onto the stage very flamboyantly and began his dance.  
  
Satine: (watching) "Look at that boy dance."  
  
Christian was the fruitiest ballerina (and we're not talking apples and oranges here . . . ) one did ever lay eyes on. He twirled and jumped and balanced on his toes with perfect control, yet was so graceful at the same time. Though his man boobs flopped around like crazy, everyone's eyes were on his beautiful dancing. Satine smiled as she watched Christian dance his heart away.  
  
Duke: (coming from behind and putting his arm around Satine) "He couldn't get any whiter . . . or gayer."  
  
Satine: "And I, dear Duke, couldn't be happier!"  
  
As soon as it had started, Christian's performance was over. The audience clapped wildly and Christian bowed, blushing. Satine ran onstage to her dear friend and gave him a hug. This was just about the right time for someone to break out into a happy song . . .  
  
Satine: (singing) "A MOMENT LIKE THIS!"  
  
The audience was stunned with shock, but not because she was so good, but because Satine majorly sucked. Her voice cracked and it sounded like she was tone-deaf.  
  
Satine: (still singing more horribly than ever) "SOME PEOPLE WAIT A LIFETIME FOR A MOMENT LIKE THIS!"  
  
The audience was now booing poor Satine and covering their ears.  
  
Some Guy: "BOO! Get off the stage!"  
  
Some Lady: "You SUCK!"  
  
Despite this, Satine was, of course, in her own little Satine world and continued to sing.  
  
Satine: "SOME PEOPLE SEARCH FOREVER FOR THAT ONE SPECIAL KISS!"  
  
Zidler, whom was in the audience, got up from his seat to go and punch Satine in the nose. But, unexpectedly Simon Cowell from American Idol got up from his seat and stopped Zidler.  
  
Simon: "Zidler, let me handle this one."  
  
Simon climbed onstage and approached Satine.  
  
Simon: (in his usual snotty tone) "That is the most horrifying sound I've ever heard in my entire life. You bloody suck!"  
  
Then, Simon socked her in the face. Satine, shocked, toppled over and fell to the floor.  
  
Audience: "YAY!!!"  
  
Simon: (in a very Elvis Presley sort of way) "Thank you, thank you very much!"  
  
FROM BEETLE: Hey guys, there's one chapter to go! Thanks for reading my fic.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I did not create nor do I have ownership of "Moulin Rouge", it's storyline or any of its characters, the song "A Moment Like This" (Kelly Clarkson), and no connections with Simon Cowell. 


	7. Ch 7 Shakespeare's Ending

CHAPTER 7 - WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT THE BIG OL' WIND MILL  
  
What happened next? Well . . .  
  
After Satine recovered from her black eye, she and the Duke's romance was rekindled. They got remarried and they lived happily ever after, just like any duke and whore would. Since the "incident" with Simon, Satine has enrolled in singing classes (thank the lord). Satine has given up being the Sparkling Diamond to be . . . A REAL ACTRESS!! Later on, the Duke bought Satine lots of Rogaine and her eyebrows eventually grew back.  
  
Christian bumped into Audrey (the cross dresser) at a party after one of his performances and sparks began to fly. They now live together in Christian's apartment, which has currently been set on fire 19 times. Audrey fully supports Christian in his ballet career. They write successful musicals and plays together on the side, which are - of course - played at the Moulin Rouge with Satine as the star of the show.  
  
Speaking of the Moulin Rouge . . .  
  
Zidler has kept the Moulin Rouge can-can club running successfully with the help of his NEW Sparkling Diamond, Kylie Minogue. Of course, everyone loves her. Unfortunately, they had a problem with the Phantom of the Opera for quite some time, always playing practical jokes and messing with the chandelier. Finally Zidler called the Ghostbusters to take care of it. I mean, who else ya gonna call?  
  
Penelope auditioned for American Idol 2 in hopes she could make it big as a singer and show the Duke who's the real star, but lost to Melly Markson, Kelly Clarkson's cousin. Penelope swore revenge on Melly and Kelly and then Simon cuz he's the one who rejected her and sent the Duke a threatening letter, then tried to crash Satine's wedding . . . eventually they just put her in a loony bin. She swore revenge on the psychiatrists.  
  
The Midget and the Argentinean decided to take speech classes together and are doing well. One day after class, The Argentinean took a walk in the forest and came across none other than . . . the giant straw elephant!  
  
He was afraid at first, but soon learned the elephant was really a gentle soul. They went to a field together where the Argentinean replaced the straw that had been burned away. They walked off into the sunset together, hand in nose, then the screen got dark and said,  
  
"THE END."  
  
FROM BEETLE: Thank you so much to all of my readers and thank you for your encouraging reviews. Hopefully, there will be many more Moulin Rouge parodies you'll be seeing from me in the future.  
  
So, if you liked this one, keep an eye out for new ones. I might actually do a spin-off from this fic - I dunno.  
  
P.S. I don't hate the Moulin Rouge or any of the actors, in fact I really liked the movie and I like all the actors, except for maybe Penelope - she seems a little . . . well, never mind!  
  
Love to you all (even Penelope) from Beetle.  
  
DISCLAIMER: In case any of my past disclaimers didn't clarify it enough for you, I don't own any of the Moulin Rouge, American Idol, Ghostbusters, The Phantom of the Opera . . . blah, blah, blah, the list goes on. I just own my story. = ) 


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